Blood and Coke Chokes

This Cherry coke is better than you 'ole bloke.

You are a girl
I didn't say that. Your friend did. Although I don't know if you consider him as your friend as he sensed that you're homophobic. I just found out last night when he talked to me that he's gay. Not that it matters. Although maybe things would be different if he's straight and you'd agree to meet up with him cause he offered you a nice paying job at some insurance company. It's actually better than your shitty waiting job (which I found for you) and you get a few dollars more for part time. But no, he said you are scared of what you don't know. You won't go out and try out new things. In a way, you're just like your parents, and you're wondering why they won't let you be with me. 

He said your parents don't think I'm real because of this damn internet relationship and that you're only wasting your time. Well, that I already know. Although, apart from finding out that he's gay, I also realized that you're a girl. 

You're a girl because you can't stand up for me. We've been together for more than a year and when your parents just randomly want to try to take me out of your life, they take away your phone and your computer and you let them. Why can't you shout at them and tell them, "I LOVE VERONICA AND I WILL BE WITH HER NO MATTER WHAT." or maybe something along the lines of, "SHE'S AS REAL AS MY TWIN BROTHER COULD BE." 

I'm not a fucking computer program. Maybe if you're obsessed with a game like Red Light Center they can protest. But I have talked to your mum and she talked to my mom, and that was when I thought everything was fine, only to find out they still believe you're wasting your time. Well, what about my time huh?! 

It's more than a year and we're still like this. Still waiting each other every night for skype, disturbing each other during class, facebooking, chatting on msn, and though I try to be patient, I'm getting so tired of it. Everything was set before and you were going to fly to me, but your parents said no, and you submit so easily without putting up a fight. Maybe not a fight, but maybe a hint of protest. There was nothing. You shut up and told me the bad news and that was it. 

All you do is complain. Complain how your parents restrict you, how they treat you like shit for the grades you get (which I believe is acceptable compared to an average student), and how they rely on you on just about everything. I don't know if you're just overreacting, but it seems you absolutely LOVE it that way. Cause if you don't, you'd try not to be there right? Or maybe it was just easier for you, and you'd opt for the easy way and just wait for three years until you can be on your own (which I doubt because maybe you'd still live with your parents) and that's when we'll meet. MAYBE.

Maybe you're thinking it's unfair because you're the one that's required to do these things. If I was in a first world country, can earn up to $30 an hour, and have my university fees paid after I graduate, I'd do it. By all means I'll do it. Because I believe that life is more worth living, and more joyous if I was with you. But see, I'm doing chores at my aunt's house so I'll have someone to pay for my immediate college fees. It's either I do that or I stop school and work and save so I can pay for my tuition. 

But you, you have a choice. You're just scared of getting out of your parent's house to do it.

Your friend said that you can rent your own place by working 30 hours a week, assuming that you earn $18. You earn more than that and I'm fairly certain you get more hours than 30. What's stopping you to be independent? What's stopping you to get to me? 

Tonight I lost my e-virginity
 And it didn't feel good.

I have a boyfriend who's residing in Croatia. We met more than a year ago in a hardware forum. We only "dated" this October. I don't know if I love him. I guess I do. I don't know if he loves me. I believe he does. Or I wanted to believe he does.

He said he's going to come visit me this February. I'm looking forward to it, but not really. If he comes then it's cool, yay. But if he doesn't I'm just eh, that sucks.

I was passive because I knew that when he comes over he'll try to have sex with me. I'm not comfortable with it. Yeah, I grew up under old-fashioned parents and I really can't blame anyone for being this way. Yeah sure, sex is good, but I'm not overly eager to have it. Maybe because I really didn't know what it truly feels like. But whatever, I'll have sex when I want to.

Yes, I do touch myself. He knew that. And a while ago he pleaded that we do it on cam. I wasn't happy about it. I didn't know what I was thinking when I stripped naked and did what he told me when I didn't even want to. I was feeling all hot and wet alright, but when I was touching myself in front of him as I watched him do the same, I felt nothing. It was better when I'm alone.

And since it's funny how us girls can fake it, I just went with the flow, looking at the clock, wondering when it'll be over. I didn't fully hate every minute. It's just felt weird why I'm doing such thing. Maybe it's partly because I want him to shut up and stop pestering me every now and then and partly because that will make him happy. Either way, right now, I wish I hadn't done it.

When it was over, I was tired, bored, and unhappy and thought, 'oh, so that's cyber.' My boyfriend is so hot, but I guess it's not enough to make me want it so badly. 

I hope I won't feel this way in real sex. I bet the real touch and kiss will do their magic.

When I was bitter
 You said that people change
Uncontrollably and out of range
Never thought it could come true
Until it happened to you

I woke up one bright morning
Alone and left with nothing
No more pictures lined on the wall
And you never answered my call

I found myself alone and thinking
Why everything didn't end up working
Am I not good enough for you?
My cooking not as good as your mom's stew?

I laughed bitter and cold
Hardly because I choked
Then realized that this cherry coke
Is better than you, ole' bloke.


I find it really funny now.

"Comedy is tragedy plus time." -Carol Burnett

 I really don't know what's up today. I feel like I'm not in myself, I feel like an astral drop deprived of flesh and bones, I feel like I'm floating - not living, I feel so lifeless. I didn't do anything productive today. My time is so wasted, I feel like I'm not progressing at all. I feel empty and stuck. I feel bleak. I feel absorbed with nothingness. 

I played all sorts of computer games this morning, I read a book during classes and listened to my iPod instead of listening to my professor, and now I'm writing this. At the very beginning of the day up until the end of it, I still feel the same way. It's like standing on a dead end where there's no going back; that feels like life ends there. I feel exactly that way, but I know what this is. I'm just very lonely. And I could list a lot of reasons why.

1. I have no motivation - I feel like the only hope and reason why I'm living wouldn't come. Hence, I'm stuck nowhere, unable to think where else to go.

2. I've tried lots of times to find escape and freedom. Lottery, scholarships, jobs, novel agencies, tried for Japan, but nothing worked - at least none at the moment.

3. So there's no push. Those are the things that keep me going but right now I'm losing all hope.

4. Nobody's there to help me. I feel like I only have myself (in this world). My family's helpless; they're actually all counting on me. I don't even know how to help myself.

5. My friends are busy laughing and having fun, while I'm sulking here, without energy to even fake a smile.

6. I hate them (Barbara and everybody else). I just really do. They're all miserable and they drag me down. I can't wait to leave.

7. ^That's my only motivation right now, my hate with burning fervor.

8. But that isn't enough. I'm still lonely because I want to go yet I don't have the capacity to do so.

9. Sometimes I just want to be a damsel in distress, rest on my bed with my feet raised up, my hair suspended in curlers while I'm painting my nails pink. With an occasional cry here and there I would wait for some rich handsome prince to come riding in a white horse and sweep me off my feet. But I should face the fact that those guys don't exist. I'm not in a dream or in a fantasy world; I'm living the nightmare.

10. I must be the one to help myself - and I don't even know how. I'm anxious to know and this anxiety robbed the life out of me and it just left me feeling lonely and wondering when my chance will come.

I'm still praying and I won't stop. That's my hope that never fails.
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Waiting for him to be home

He makes me smile, a lot. While he's at work and I'm in school, we were talking like he's just beside me. Our time differences is a lot and yet I appreciate how we have time for each other. And I'm writing this blog while I'm waiting for him to be home. He left work, but before signing out he told me he'll get online again at home and talk to me for a bit before he goes to bed. It's almost 1 am in his time now, yet he wants to talk to me still. He slept at 6 in the morning yesterday and woke up at 12:30 pm, I know how tired and sleepy he is right now but he still wants to talk to good old me. That makes me really smile. :3

I don't know what's up with us. He's single, had only one ex girlfriend that was over three years ago, and he doesn't talk to anyone or get close to any girl (as far as I know) but only to me. :)

But I don't know what's up with us, we're separated by oceans, thousand of miles away. We're really good friends and though I feel that I like him more than a friend, and though he feels the same too (which I just thought about), I don't think there's really more to this. 

In reality, how can the two of us hook-up? I don't believe that long-distance relationships work. More or less it'll be good in the beginning but it would just end up - bitterly. And I don't want to risk our friendship, we're doing awesome like this. I'm somewhat contented.

But if there would be a chance for us to be together, I wouldn't let that slip away. He's my ideal guy, he's everything I wanted and hoped for, there's isn't much I could ask for. :3

Today: How it had been.
 5:00 am - I woke up pretty early; first time in months because I slept early. Well, if you consider 10 pm early. My eyes hurt, and that's the only reason why I tried to sleep that early. Normally it would be 11-12. I hate sleeping late, but the internet is such a distraction. 

I knew it was 5 in the morning because I heard buzzing outside - Yup you guessed, Barbara, her boyfriend and her boyfriend's two sons. My eyes aren't hurting as much as the past few days yet I don't want to get up yet. I want to sleeeeeeeep some more. But my will to get out of this house as fast as I can pulled me up like magic strings attached to a puppet, then directed me to get a shower.

9:00 am - I'm reading my mail through Dora's iTouch. By the way, Dora's so much better now, she listens to us, well, a bit, or so I think. :\ Maybe she pretends, who knows? Gaaah. I frustrated myself. 

On my mail: A mail from the Submission department of a writing agency where I submitted my manuscript. They said I had to wait for ten days for their reply. They would hand down the verdict until then, if I passed or not. I hope so. It's my one way ticket to full independence. I'd be an author, my book would be published and it would be amazing! I'm praying.

11:00 pm - The whole class went to a cathedral clad with cameras. Unfortunately, I don't have a camera so I just borrowed theirs and pretended to snap at the stained glass windows when the professor is looking. When he's not, I'm busy taking pictures of me. I had my hair cut reeeeaaallly shot and I decided I have to update my Facebook picture. 

Cassie is acting really weird. 

1:00 pm - I decided to go to an ophthalmologist to get my eyes checked. They're scaring me now. I've been rubbing it for 8 years (since middle school) and I'm dreading to think that my cornea scratched and scarred. I have to know, I have to be sure.

The head of my class knew about my problem so he placed me at the top of the list of persons who want to audition as hosts in our TV show project. I auditioned. I don't think it went so bad, but judges never run out of negative comments to say. They said I'll know tomorrow if I passed the screening or not.

3:00 pm - I'm at the hospital. At approximately 20 minutes after this time, my eyes are being blinded by flashlights. >_>

6:00 pm - I was at the drugstore buying the eye drops the doctor told me to buy. I don't need a cornea transplant - it's just allergy from dust and smoke, he said.

8:00 pm - I found out that the guy I once talked to a lot still thinks I'm a liar and that between the two of us I'm the bad person, when I did nothing but tell him the truth and want him to care. He did not, he will not, and it doesn't matter anymore.

10:05 pm - Listening to 97x Tampa Bay's New Rock Alternative. I feel closer to Will when I listen to this radio station...I want nothing more but to be with him. Also, talking to my other group mate besides Cassie and Dora - he's Lester. I'm helping him complete his submission for research topics.

Right now - I want to sleep, but I can't until I finish some downloads. It's on 91% now. So sleepy. 

Weeell, my day went was okay.

Writer's Block: Sony Cyber-shot TX5
If you had a waterproof camera, what are the top five things you would want to photograph? Let your imagination run wild.

If I have that kind of amazing camera, I would take pictures of:

1. A beautiful girl under the sea, playing with different kinds of colorful fishes as if she's a part of the ocean. She will sync with the underwater beauty of nature, making it a part of her.

2. While it rains, I'll be out in the cold taking a picture of two persons sitting inside a warm and cozy coffee shop. They would be leaning on the glass filled with endless drops of rain, smiling at each other and enjoying each other's company while the rain rages on outside. It will show how much complete and relaxed they feel because they're together, notwithstanding the difficulties outside them.

3. My pet cat Cloud during his bath time. He hates having a bath so much that after we're done, I'm soaked as if I joined him inside the tub. The simple struggles would be funny and priceless as much as the pictures taken with great effort.

4. My friends while we're on our carwash job during the summer. Great memories must be taken and compiled down for future chuckles. The bubbles and water squirts do annoy the customers, but everybody smiles when we start taking pictures, including the hot headed car owners. Magically, cameras automatically bring smiles.

5. And of course, what everybody really wants to take, a self-portrait under the sea wearing a dress. I'll also swim close to the beautiful corals and schools of fish so I can take pictures of them. For once, I'll take the spotlight away from me, put the limelight on them for appreciation, and be the instrument for it.

Left hanging
I'll try to stop withholding you inside my heart because you're actually the one who never wanted to stay there in the first place. Well, maybe in the beginning; when there are still pretty stars in the night sky, when waking up beside me was still the most pleasant thing in the morning. But now it's not. And I try to understand, although up until now I still can't explain how you, the one I loved the most, managed to leave me wretched and broken.

I miss your smiles you know. I feel my lips tugging to the left a bit as I looked at our old photos by the lake. I was scared I would fall down, yet I very much liked to lean down and look at my vain reflection. You were worried about me, and maybe I enjoyed that so I did lean down more not considering how scared I am. You crept behind me, wrapped your hands around my shoulders and placed your chin at the top of my head. My neck was killing me, but I wished we could stay like that forever.

Maybe it was love that brought me to sacrifice too much, act stupid and do dangerous things. Because I always wanted your eyes on me, your hands on my skin, and your warmth around me. But it probably became too much, is it? You tell me. Have I been too all over you that you can't breath anymore? I didn't know that loving you a lot was a mistake, I thought you liked it too, after all, you kept saying the same wonderful things to me too. I thought we had something to share, to hold on to. But in the end, it was just me left hanging.

Rob, I still love you.
 I stopped talking to you last New Year, tried to get a move on with my life and forget about you. I lasted for about four months. Until little by little I edged towards you, thinking that we could still be friends after all that had happened. I thought I already forgot about the feelings I had for you, the love only I can feel. But I was wrong.

It's clear that you don't care about me anymore, that all the things we shared before are now completely burned and the ashes sprayed over the ocean. Oh how fast you change your mind, how quick you forget what you feel for me. I swore you said you loved me, even if it didn't escape your mouth. I know it had been in your head, you told me so. 

What had I done for you to change your mind? Is it because I'm now taking things seriously, that I'm thinking of migrating where you are just so I could be with you? Is it because you aren't serious after all? It's all just a bliss, a sudden gush of emotions, a need to be loved, nothing more. 

I don't want you to see how broken I am. Several times I had tried to force you back to me, cried helplessly, begged for you to love me. I opened up to you, showed you all my weaknesses, vulnerably chased after your love for me that had long been gone. And now nothing has changed, I'm still the same girl you left broken and unwanted. Thrown away after you got tired of toying with me. I don't really blame you, I don't. It was me who wanted all these, who pursued you when you said to leave you alone.

I just thought I could make it work, oh how wrong I was.

Now I watch you from afar, enjoying your life, talking to the girls you really like. It felt so unfair that I'm still stuck here rotting, while you are moving on and having such fun calling them your 'love'. I don't know where to go, I keep on looking back, thinking what might have been, thinking how perfectly you fit your hands on mine, imagining your soft warm kisses spring me back to life. But they're all gone, you're gone. And I can't say I'm moving on because...

...after all, you're still the one I truly want.

No I won't.
I can't believe myself. I like Will. Geezus. Why do I never get tired of this? All of this is bullshit! Falling for a guy you don't know at all, you can't touch at all. Why the hell am I so fucking shallow like this? Why am I so easy? Above all, why am I so damn stupid?
He has a life, I do too, he can perfectly find a girl he likes easily, no sweat. While I, am I going to just keep wishing like this forever? Am I going to just pray and hope that there's something in store for us in the future? This is fucking pathetic, cause I'm the only one thinking of these things, while I, Veronika, is just a past time for him. Something that gives distraction and eases up boredom somehow during his long hours of work.

I hate this. How long will I stay so pathetic like this? When am I going to be tired and fed up? What happened to me and Rob is exactly what would happen if I don't stop this stupidity now..

If he doesn't have work, he doesn't talk to me anyway, what am I to him but just some girl that makes the 8 hours of work pass by unnoticed. Cause I really like him, and I talk to him that way I talk to the people I like, which he no doubt enjoys. But that's just that.
Like right now...he doesn't have work, I saw him come online on Facebook but I didn't talk to him right away, trying to see if he would talk to me first. I waited...then he left without even saying hi. 

I perfectly understand Will. I bet you're going out with your friends. While I, miss no-life, will just stay here in front of my computer wondering when you'll be back. 

But you know what? No, I won't. I won't wonder, and I won't even wait for you. You're just like Rob and I'm a fool.


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